I want you more than these girls want KFC
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
