On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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