thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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