Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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