You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
