I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize