you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
