walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
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