I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
