Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I can't turn off my feet"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
