I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
