You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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