I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
last night I used snow as a chaser
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
