My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
