I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
