What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
