I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
