hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
honey bunches of taint.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
