Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize