I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
