yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
