I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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