someone owes me an orgasm
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
