The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
