Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
