so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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