I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
