before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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