Kiss
Puke
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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