That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Randomize
