Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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