I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
