They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
