Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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