tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
