I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize