Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
