i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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