I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
its liver damage thursday
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
