I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
