Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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