and my herpes radar will keep us safe
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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