you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
