i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
