Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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