i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
i think i just lost a toe
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