i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize