No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
