I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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