um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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