it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
