Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
