im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
