Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
You smell like stripper and shame
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just blew my weed a kiss
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
