so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
