I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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