I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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