Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
There r osticjed everywhere
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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