you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
