So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
