I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
